Best Adult Spicy Story

Well the Idol is in Kentucky where they say a tie game is like kissing your sister. But winning is like marrying your sister. Or something like that.

First up is a skinny blonde skank with two enabler parents. Man does she have a weird voice. Not just a weird singing voice but a weird speaking voice. Well she is unspeakably awful. But the worst part of it is her dye job is worse than her singing. She acts out after she gets the heave ho and man thank god for that.

To clear our palate they give us the ringer girl. She was in the music business and the new girl even recognizes her. So she is this years Carly, a pro who has a head start and will make it to the final ten but is too damaged to win it all. They will keep her afloat for a while but submarine her at the end.

Next up is this mutant dude who was related to Dr. Mudd the Prisoner of Shark Island who was the doctor who treated John Wilkes Booth. He tries George Jones for a weird inbred Southern cool kind of thing but is just horrible. There is a little by play where the judges get all shook up and say he them. Hey that was nothing. Although I bet all of America would have loved it if he pulled out a blade and jumped on the stage yelling Sic Semper Tyrannis as he stabbed Paula in the cootch. No such luck though.

Next up is this skinny gay dude who is an average singer whose performance should not have caused all the histrionics that ensued. Paula and Kara decide to show the kid how to succeed in the music business by going under the table on their knees. That only works if you are kneeling in front of Clive Davis you dim bitches. Anyway he is on to Hollywood.

Then there is this big loser montage with people singing over the rainbow and someone dressed as a penguin singing a penguin song. The less said about this the better.

Then there is this dueling piano guy who said he just learned to play a few years ago and he gets through. I hope he doesnt get to play the piano on the show because it is bad enough when they cant sing but when they cant play then it is really torture. He makes it to torture us another day.

Then there is this dorky opera dude named Ross. Are all geeks supposed to be named Ross or is that just a thing. Anyway he sucks but the big deal with this one is that he takes Paulas cup and drinks from her straw and she gets all freaked out. Paula baby he should have been the one that was freaked out. I mean who knows where your mouth has been ya know. Jeez.

Another loser montage for Day two was featuring Randy in his mommas church lady hat. I hope he wore that to the inaugural.

Then a short blonde who got knocked up and had her baby daddy sent off to military school. She shouts like a maniac but for some reason they like her and put her through. The producers must tell them what to do because they showed tape of her playing the guitar and she looked good so maybe she will be all right. But I wouldnt have put her through with that audition.

Then they have the screaming whooping dude who butchers his song but is very entertaining. I rode with a guy on the F train last week who did the same exact thing. Next.

Then we have this tall thin drink of water who was interviewed by the local TV station. She cant sing a lick and the new girl snarks at her that this must be a joke right. Well it wasnt and the girl starts to cry. The most uncomfortable moment so far.

Finally we have a sweet faced girl who is show with her family and talks about being homeless and poor. So does the twenty seven people she brought with her to the audition who are not all her siblings. I hope. Anyway she sings a song of her own composition which Simon calls because it has the word in it. Jeez. Anyway she is this years cute nice black girl. Thats one slot filled.

Seacrest out!

Well you know it even if he doesnt admit it out loud. I mean even Dick Clark figured it out and his brain is mush now.

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